The Incomplete Guide to Third Nipples and Eight Arms
In which Vanessa examines The Man with the Golden Gun, and Elliot looks back on Spider-Man 2
The Man with the Golden Gun in 2024
It’s the dawn of a new Bond era. How does it hold up, looking back, asks Vanessa.
We are now halfway through the Prince Charles Cinema 2024 James Bond season, and I am slowly catching back up to my January promise to rewatch all movies before the end of 2024. You can read all of my previous reviews and judgements on how problematic, how realistic, and how repeatable any of these are in our Substack archive.
The Man with the Golden Gun is one of the few older James Bond films that gives us a meaty character study of the villain. Securing Christopher Lee made Scaramanga much more credible than an upstart hitman with three nipples eliminating an employer to take over his empire should have been. Sadly Lulu singing the theme song doesn’t match this energy.
A Nick Nack Paddywhack
The penchant for standout henchmen struck again, with the casting of dwarf actor Hervé Villechaize as Nick Nack, and it’s awkward when Bond fights him. At least Nick Nack outlives his villain master, which is uncommon, especially as Scaramanga and Nick Nack were friendly to the extent that Nick Nack was Scaramanga’s heir.
We also meet Sheriff J.W. Pepper again, to my chagrin. Our redneck is on holiday, and thoroughly embarrassed several times, but this was as successful as bringing back Sylvia Trench in From Russia with Love. The Bond producers have their hands full with sexism, let’s not add racism to the to-do list.
The Bottoms Up Club in a contemporary lens is curious: it was a real girlie bar in Hong Kong, and featured topless women, who served customers and danced. The film was rated a PG by the BBFC when it was released. Today, we consider sex work a potentially exploitative profession, but nudity can also be considered empowering. While there’s some potential, on the whole this is still more galling than golden. (2/5)
Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me
Admittedly 4.2mm is a unique calibre, but the ballpark is not unheard of: the Lilliput was developed in 1920, and measured 4.25mm. Sure, that will make a difference enough not to want to fire with the wrong gun, but Lazar would not have stood out for his calibre size, but rather his working material for Scaramanga: gold.
Gold bullets do not shoot as smoothly as the film implies either - Cody’s Lab demonstrated that (in rifles) pure 24 karat gold bullets fragment. So no belly dancing souvenirs for you! And Scaramanga’s custom build is likely to be imitated already, with the advent of 3D printing of guns, which is a problem in the United States.
Finally, it’s worth addressing the Solex Agitator. The film’s energy crisis was real, and today renewable energy is seen as a big component of combating climate change and gaining energy independence. The Solex likely doesn’t use photovoltaics or concentrated solar power, based on its size. Thankfully it’s as realistic as solar-powered lasers and guns. All in all, this film doesn’t quite power through. (1/5)
Hong Kong gone wrong - or right?
Hunting Bond covers the short jaunt to Beirut for some belly dancing (or not), but it will either cost you, or lack the charms of the film. So instead, we shall focus on the South East Asian part of the adventure: Bond susses out who “put a hit” on him at the Macau Palace, which will be given a new lease on life, but you can’t revisit it yet.
Having missed an opportunity to ride a hydrofoil in Diamonds are Forever, I am happy to report you can travel from Macao to Hong Kong by hydrofoil! A daytime transfer will cost you $495HKD, or just under £50 per person, unless you’re eligible for a discount. Staying at the Peninsula Hotel costs at least $6,500HKD, or more than £650, a night, so you better also stay on Andrea Anders’ bill.
Instead, try Bangkok’s Mandarin Oriental hotel for its Ciao Terrazza - just don’t order the non-existent Phuyuck wine. Instead, a genuine bottle of Thai white wine costs between 1,200 and 2,900 baht, or a moderate £26.75 to £64.65. Mary’s Gucci bag at the muay thai fight is the first time I’ve noticed designer goods, but I won’t rush to buy it, as such a shoulder bag today would set you back £1,550 and vintage costs more. The film ticket price sure is cheaper than doing this trip yourself. (1/5)
The Movie with the Less-Than-Golden Box Office Run
Unfortunately, at the time, this movie was seen as a commercial failure. While it managed to draw out the menace in Moore’s treatment of Anders, it also gave us bimbo Mary Goodnight to “lighten” the mood. Consistently, these Bond Girls rank as the worst, while Scaramanga ranks as one of the best villains. It’s no surprise the franchise took a 3-year break, letting writers and actors cook to create The Spy Who Loved Me. This will have to do to tide us over. (1/5)
Spider-Man 2
Sony and Columbia Pictures are re-releasing all of the Spider-Man films, supposedly because of Columbia’s 100th year anniversary, but we all know its because Morbius and Madame Webb lost crazy amounts of money. This week it’s the turn of Spider-Man 2.
Spider-Man 2 became, and remains, the gold standard of superhero movies, when it swung onto our screens back in 2004. There are so many things about Spider-Man 2 that are so remarkable and so clever, I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts with logic. I think it might have easily been my favourite movie when I was a kid: all the way through it just screams AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME at you -- not in the childish overused sense of the word; it just totally inspires awe. It has been somewhat overshadowed by the perfection and influence of 2008’s The Dark Knight since, but Spider-Man 2 remains my personal favourite.
Let’s start before the beginning: the opening titles. This time, the cartoon gothic font is toned down, and we’re treated to a beautiful opening sequence where the previous film is summarised in glorious paintings. It’s pacy and such an exciting way to do the opening credits that makes this film instantly feel classy.
It’s pretty bold to launch your superhero franchise and have your main character go through the struggle of whether he wants to be a main character, or in Peter’s case, a hero. The driving force from the comic books, that Peter Parker needs constant beating up and can never have enough problems, quickly amounts to a whole shopping list of issues that Peter is struggling with within the first 20 minutes of the movie.
He can’t keep a part-time job; he can’t make it to college classes on time; he’s behind on rent, for a room that looks shabby and set to crumble into pieces (the set design is just perfect); Aunt May is set to lose her house; his best friend doesn’t trust him; he is incapable of letting his love get to know him; he only makes money by selling pictures to a man who wants the world to hate Spider-Man.
There is so much conflict introduced, and everyone in the ensemble gets their part to play in Peter’s struggles.
Spider-Man, No More
Tobey Maguire carries so much of the movie on his shoulders and looks like a man burdened, unable to chill out. I know that, in retrospect, he looks older than his Peter Parker is meant to be, but this doesn’t invalidate an incredible performance.
It’s striking how many times Sam Raimi demonstrates fantastic confidence in his stars that they make scenes where they talk to themselves work. Peter talking on the phone to Mary-Jane after his credit has run out of time; Octavius talking to his arms by himself; these scenes should not work, but because the world feels so damn real and these people all feel so rounded, Spider-Man 2 can break screenwriting conventions and make them work.
Alfred Molina as Doctor Octavius is one of the great villains - you can see why he’s the sole villain in this movie. In one introductory scene, Molina establishes a kind and witty role model for Peter; a man who has balanced his own form of heroism in his scientific creation and energy research, alongside a romantic life. His descent into madness and darkness has a real sense of tragedy at first, but Molina is fantastically menacing as Doc Ock (this film does not repeat the mistake of concealing the villain’s face behind a costume).
The ensemble all get their moments. James Franco is increasingly frenetic in his desperate hatred of Spider-Man - who cares if that scene has become a meme - he delivers the line with conviction and it becomes the man’s mission. You know that the film is going to hurdle towards another potential terrifying confrontation for Peter, against his best friend.
It’s glorious scene after scene after scene, with each person from the real world dragging Peter back to his destiny, to be their unknown hero. Peter constantly lies to them all, and they all tell him the truth. It’s such a simple conflict that carries huge dramatic tension throughout the whole piece.
Highlights include the stillness and slowness of Peter confessing his responsibility in Uncle Ben’s death, and the eventual graciousness with which Aunt May congratulates Peter on his honesty with her. Rosemary Harris gets some fantastic scenes in this one: from her participation in the battle between Spider-Man and Doc Ock on a building side to her “I believe there’s a hero in all of us” line. My interpretation? I don’t think she knows he’s Spider-Man, but she sure as hell hopes he is.
The train fight; Harry’s unmasking of Peter; the scale of Doc Ock’s energy experiment; Mary-Jane learning the truth. This is all a spectacular third act, but the best bit is sometimes overlooked: it’s the civilians on the train seeing that Peter Parker is just some guy. Years before Into the Spider-Verse would focus on the idea that anyone can wear the mask and become the hero of their dreams, it was all here: a bunch of real people seeing that he was just some guy. Just about every character undergoes some kind of study in this film, even anonymous New Yorkers on a train.
I haven’t even talked about the scene where Peter runs into the burning building, and Tobey Maguire gets to do some really intense stunts without the Spidey suit on! I love Spider-Man 2 with all my heart. I think I watched it so much as a kid that I broke my DVD. If you ever get the chance, I heartily recommend the extended cut: Spider-Man 2.1, which adds extra bits and bobs on, fleshing out Mary-Jane’s personal life, and includes a different version of the lift comedy scene, and JK Simmons donning the Spider-Man outfit in a moment of pure joy.
It was released in 2007 as a marketing tool for the then-impending Spider-Man 3. I found a copy of Spider-Man 2.1 in CEX for a few quid a few years ago, and while Spider-Man 2 is already perfect, a few extra minutes shows that they were firing on all cylinders during this one.
Spider-Man 2 was in cinemas over the weekend, and continues to be on Disney+. Spider-Man 3 is in cinemas next weekend. Oh boy.